I have an army behind me, I’m grateful for them all, they will be there to catch me when I fall. 

I wish for one person to stand next to me, to prop me up as I stumble, helping me stand tall.

One person who could be strong for me when I cant go on, to lead me forward when its too dark for me to see.

To hold me through the night and reassure me it will all be ok.

I will wait, I am still out front alone.

So i’m in my early thirties, a solo mum of 3. Single.

That’s it though. I have no hobbies, no career, no idea about what I want from life.

I was always told I could be what ever I wanted, problem is I never worked that out, and now I feel its too late! Even if I pick a career, one that can work around raising kids on my own, if I have too retrain I could be knocking on 40 by time i’m actually doing it! Really?

What happened? Where did my potential go? I have unknowingly made my bed, and now i’m forced to lie in it! Alone!

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids. I love being a Mum, I just never thought that would be all I was!!

I couldn’t even say what I do want, its been so long since I was asked that question, I no longer know the answers! 

I wish I had traveled more, experienced more, loved and lost more. 

This is not the life I wanted or expected. But I don’t know how I go about changing it!

Single again, single and heartbroken

I hate that word, single. On your own, Alone, 1.

This time it came totally out of the blue, I thought things were good, the distance was hard, but to go from I really want to be with you, to I never want to be with you again in the space of a couple of days? ouch! I have been left feeling totally powerless!

You helped me heal my broken heart, then turned round and broke it yourself.

I have to believe that I’m worthy of love, of being loved. One day some one will agree with me! One day someone will move mountains to be with me! I thought you were that someone.

So now I’m back to coping. I hate “coping”, has to be my least favourite word. I didn’t want this. Any of it! 

Ask me 10 years ago where I thought I would be now, and this is not it! Solo mum of 3 boys, unable to keep a man, even though he loves me, cause being with me is too hard!

I want to scream! I want to change it all! I don’t want to keep doing this over and over. Its too much, too hard! Being single, alone, on my own, with no one who truly gives a shit! No one to share the daily trials I face and no one to share the joys! Not what I signed up for!!!!!

Can I get a do over? Im young, I should be out exploring the world! Not watching it pass by. At least I deserve someone to share it with!

I hate saying that!
Of all the things I say everyday I have come to hate the word “coping”.
Probably because it’s not really true. “barely keeping my head above water” might be closer to the truth!

As I approach the end of week one of 2012, I’m looking forward, towards another year of “coping” another year of “barely keeping my head above water”.

Something must change, I don’t know what when or how but change, positive change, is a foot! It has to be!!

It’s the one thing that keeps me from succumbing to the waves, the ones that try their best to push me under.

Strong.
Another word I hate!
Seriously don’t tell me I’m strong! I’m not! I have no option but to continue that doesn’t make me strong, that makes me desperate, trapped, cornered.

I hope to regret this post soon!